Ill Intended words leave long lasting scars

It’s been a tumultuous week and also a longtime between blogs. I have a mass of words jumbled in my head. I have spent hours behind my steering wheel. Driving my kids to school. Driving to meetings. Or just driving to think through my words.

The past eighteen months have been extraordinary as I grow and learn to be a parent advocate and as manager of my son’s business. This has created exciting opportunities and I have met the most amazing people.

I have learned about my capabilities and my self confidence has increased. I am still plagued by self doubt but at least that proves I’m not a narcissist.

I need to unpack something that happened this week. At first I thought I’d handled it and that it was a sign of my resilience and continued growth. After the adrenaline ran out and I ruminated (this is an insidious habit) about the bully I had crossed paths with, I regretted that I did not find a way to tell her what a pond dweller she is.

Nine years ago when she recklessly spread malicious gossip about me; while I was at my absolute most vulnerable, I was not well enough to take a stand.

While she was sitting in front of me on a train, I still could not take a stand. The only words that were in my brain were not fit to be spoken aloud while maintaining the higher ground.

Her words led me to make a plan to kill myself. I shared that plan with my husband only because I had planned to leave him a sign so he could prevent our children from seeing me. I was at least thinking about protecting them from visual scars. I was not well enough to consider the lifelong legacy I would leave them with.

Someone as vile as this person can utter words that leave lasting damage. All I want to do is reclaim my status of survivor and relinquish the victim I returned to on that train.

Some of you reading this know her. I don’t care whether you’re still friends or not. Just remember if you are ever vulnerable she will not be there for you. Instead she will relish in gossip. Because that is the only way she can feel good about herself. By dragging people down so she can stand over them looking down. Nothing she does will ever makeup for what she nearly stole from my family.

The fact I was on the way to deliver a presentation on bullying was so ironic. I’ve decided I will not be silent about her conduct. I’ve decided if anyone asks me her name I will tell them. There were witnesses and the only defaming done was by her. The only shame felt should be felt by her.

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