The Big Gulp

Every morning when I wake up

Every time I prepare to speak

Every new person I approach

Every success

Every achievement

Every difficult question I ask

Every failure

Every rejection

Everyday

Every action I take involves a big gulp. Every action takes its toll on me. I am not brave ever! In fact, quite the opposite. I am shitting myself. I sit on the precipice of fear of failure and fear of wondering. Mostly I choose fear of failure. Not from being brave. Rather from being angry. I am angry that I have to question and seek out answers to uncomfortable truths. I am confused at why it is so hard to change systems that are broken and harmful. And still I am not brave. I am unrelenting. I am persistent. I am driven. I am fueled with fury. I am not brave.

I do agree with this statement. You can’t make friends when you ask difficult questions. I can assure you the problem lies with the person I am seeking answers from though. I am impeccably polite and respectful. I may be direct and I’ve been told I need more diplomacy but, really, we’re all adults. We’re not taking popularity contests but instead, talking about our children’s safety.

This includes suicide prevention and big big picture questions. Shouldn’t we all want the same outcome? The big gulp I constantly take fills my lungs with oxygen. It usually can stave off a panic attack and yet I still have them. I feel very alone which is just not true of course but that doesn’t change that feeling. It’s the constant adversity that is exhausting but I keep going.

I like this analogy. I think that’s always been my goal. To be me but to bring change without selling myself out. Keeping my integrity intact and hopefully my mental health stable.

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