The more I learn, the less I know.
I think back to my teenage years. You know that time when you were convinced you knew more than your parents, most likely your teachers too. Venturing into my twenties I still felt all knowing and full of confidence, convinced if I didn’t know it, I soon would. My thirties were a revelation. I was not the perfect parent I thought I would be. My babies would not sleep on command and they ruled my life rather than me obnoxiously thinking I knew better than every other parent in existence. My forties were spent in a black balloon. A miasma of confusion, of no confidence and at times life threatening mental illness. I am now in my 50th year of circling the sun. Yep, pretty soon I will hit the bit 50. It’s all good. I had my middle age crisis turning 30. Turning 50 is amazing. I am humble and hopeful. I know that I know not much. I know there is so much I am curious about and so much I want to learn.
I also know that I have a lot to offer. I have value. I live a meaningful life and want to help make a difference. Whether the difference I make moves a blade of grass or fertilises a field is not the point. The point is the doing. For too long I have felt I could not offer anything. That I had nothing to say and that I really didn’t matter.
I don’t matter to many, that is a given. But I do matter to a few and those few are the people who matter to me. Those that matter to me have fueled a momentous amount of energy in me. A drive to keep talking about where we can improve. Asking people to help me or how I can help them. For the rest of my life I will keep talking and keep asking. In this process of talking I am learning that along the way there are many not ready to listen. That’s ok. One day hopefully they will be. When I meet someone who is ready to listen and I see the light in their eyes. The light that signifies interest and understanding, well that is truly satisfying.
This process of talking has also turned me into an eternal student. I keep hearing and resetting my own thoughts. Constantly learning. To reach this age and finally realise I will never learn everything but I will endeavour to keep learning makes me feel revitalised and somehow youthful. I will remain a permanent student.