Day 2

Guess what? All that I accomplished last year, I did with a mental illness. I will always have a mental illness. I am still me. I am not to be feared. I am not crazy. I also can’t just get over it or give myself a talking to like someone suggested on Facebook yesterday.

Last night my psychiatrist prescribed a new medication to assist with my back pain. I did google it and I did read about it but having no medical degree a lot of the information was just like reading Hebrew. I don’t know if this medication takes awhile to actually be effective but from a placebo point of view I had a much better night’s sleep. My back pain today is more manageable and I feel pretty ok.

I just feel it’s really important that I write about feeling suddenly less than or not capable of. I can assure you that I am still me. I still achieved amazing things last year. More than I can even begin to fathom. I have goals for this year. They will be achieved. I may stay here in hospital for a couple of weeks. I will listen to my body and my psychiatrist on that point.

I will come home and still want to advocate for the things that upset me. To help change what I find upsetting as do many other people. I will not stop talking about the need for difference to be embraced. The need for inclusion. Authentic inclusion in schools, in workplaces and in communities.

I will continue to guide my son to find his voice, share his thoughts and ideas on how his life could look with authentic inclusion. How his story should not in fact be a story. His life should be ordinary in every way. Advocacy happens when minority groups are not listened to. When they are mistreated and not valued. When they are told they mean less and matter less. Nobody should feel this way ever! Coming into hospital two days ago has made me feel that way too. Suddenly my mental illness is at the forefront of my life and I put it there on social media because it is still not talked about enough. I am still me. I don’t have less to say, less to add and I am not addled by lunacy. I am not fragile and I am not able to put a bandaid on to feel better.

The main reason I am in hospital is because my GP would not listen to me when I told him I was in pain and self medicating with alcohol as it was readily available and effective. I told him I did not like doing that and that I wanted to find a way to manage my pain and he sent me away. If he had listened to me last year I would not be here now.

I am lucky my psychiatrist of nine years knows I am responsible when it comes to administering my own medication. That I am vigilant and very responsible and never over medicate. I refuse opioids because I am not comfortable with the risk of addiction. I make educated and informed decisions on my mental wellbeing. So I will be looking for a new GP now.

I don’t mean less and I don’t matter less. I am completely lucid and rational. I am different in my own way and also want to be embraced for my difference.

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