I try my utmost to operate from the left side of this image. Being beautifully flawed and human I fail all the time. I get angry. I hold grudges but usually do forgive easily. I criticize but then in fairness I usually try and offer solutions at the same time. I do wear my heart on my sleeve and consider myself to be very generous in many ways. I can assure you when I offer my help no matter how clumsily I word it, this offer comes from my heart and with no agendas.
The past week has been quite a difficult week. I’ve been sabotaging myself with self doubt and an internal conversation telling me all the ways I can fail rather than acknowledging all I have achieved. Having a mental illness fills me with doubt and I constantly question myself and at times suffer paranoia which is both of my own doing but also incredibly difficult to overcome. I’ve been overwhelmed with the workload and the goals I have set myself. I have not been practicing very good self care and it’s impacting all facets of my life. I am losing track of why I am doing this. I am doing this for my family and yet I am spending less and less time with them and the time I do spend with them, I am stressed and not good company.
Something happened this week that shook me to my core. I won’t discuss it of course as I try to sit on the left side of the above diagram. But it was upsetting and I took it very personally. The worst thing is that it’s made me determined to not offer myself or my time so generously. Why open yourself up to such pain and criticism when you already feel like you are traversing the abyss. This kind of internal dialogue reminds me I need to check in with my psychiatrist for a bit of a tune up also.
It’s very sad though that you offer yourself so freely, only to be hurt and then realise you will no longer offer your assistance at all. I am usually the first to put my hand up for anyone. My Mum and husband quite often caution me that I go too far and would happily give away my last dollar to help someone in need. And I have done that.
I just want every person to have a voice and to be heard. I want those who are existing on the fringe to be supported and included. My heart has a great capacity to love and I want to help other hearts learn that same capacity. So for the next few weeks please be gentle with me as I flounder and try to recover some confidence. I am not fishing for compliments here. Those who know me best know I actually struggle with compliments. I share all my achievements to continue with my advocating. If I could quietly make change without drawing attention to myself believe me that would be my preference. Unfortunately I need to be loud. I need to share and blow my trumpet no matter now uncomfortable it makes me.
Remember you don’t know what is happening in a person’s life. Be gentle. Be kind.