After many years of therapy in many different formats I have always found writing a very effective way to sift through my thoughts and feelings. I actually blog as ongoing therapy now. Sometimes I make a blog post secret as I might write about something deeply personal or triggering. That people choose to read my blog is amazing. The fact that people enjoy reading my blog is monumental.
When it comes to mental illness I consider myself a survivor. I believe it’s very important to be open about my experience because there is still a big stigma associated with mental illness. Me not acknowledging my own story and not being open just perpetuates that stigma. I have nothing to be ashamed for and in fact I’m incredibly proud at the painful hard work I’ve put in over the years to recover. And the ongoing work I do to remain stable.
It’s very difficult to explain but I feel very grateful for the dark depths I’ve traversed. I have developed such an appreciation for what matters in my life. I very nearly lost my life. I am grateful for everyday my feet hit the floor. What’s important to me is my family. They are the reason my heart beats and the reason I draw breath. They come first and everything I do is for them or to make the world a better place for them.
When I was very unwell writing helped me recognise my emotions. Sometimes even writing wasn’t enough but what really did help were emojis. I could point at an emoji and relate. Then knowing what to label my emotion helped me write about it.
I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing but coming out the other end of mental illness has given me very little tolerance for small talk. I just can’t be bothered. I don’t mean to be rude. I just feel there’s so much else to talk about and so much to learn about.
So my head looks like this pretty much permanently. I have to wade through the pollution to get to the treasures. Blogging helps. I still ruminate. This is so unhelpful and toxic. Nothing good comes of this but I can sometimes successfully put it in a box and hide it away.
I’ve been having some weird symptoms lately and was told to stop driving until they could determine what was going on. I decided to see my psychiatrist also. I’m having bloody panic attacks. I need to practice more mindfulness and have noticed an improvement already just by deep breathing when my symptoms raise their insidious little heads.
So while so many exciting things are going on it’s still very stressful. Yes I’m embracing it but physiologically my body is sabotaging me.
I’m walking around in a constant state of awe at the moment. For 16 years I’ve watched my son at times face the worst of humanity and finally now our whole family is experiencing the best of humanity. Kind of feels undeserving in a way because it’s so foreign.
Now I’m not too savvy with linking stuff on here but my gift to you is this song. Enjoy