I am a grain of sand

I am journeying through a process of transformation. I’m finding it both satisfying and painful. I’m still at the irritating grain of sand stage and the whole world is my oyster.

I have spent today cutting back on commitments. I’ve over extended myself. I know this because I can feel my anxiety increasing substantially. So I re-examined my priorities. First is my mental health. I vigilantly self monitor for signs of regression. If I’m not well I simply cannot function and I will end up hospitalised for a few weeks. Let me tell you after eight years of working hard I would see this a a huge backwards step. I’ve made contact with my psychiatrist and will see him soon. I’ve cut back on volunteer work I’ve committed to in the youth mental illness sector.

Second priority is keeping the engine of the Lewis family running well. Supporting my son’s bin cleaning business, making time for my daughter and being a supportive partner to my husband and everything in between. This includes NDIS application, Grade 11 for my son, netball for my daughter and a whole gamut of other stuff. Typical family stuff.

Thirdly, my fitness and wellness journey has really taken a backseat this week. Nutrition has been okay. Could be better. I have really dropped the ball with my activity. I let other things distract me. I will be back on track tomorrow. Maybe I needed a quiet week away from activity but I should not replace it with other things that are not amongst the three most important things in my life.

Every decision I make will see me weighing up whether it falls into the above three categories. Yes I would love to work but I just can’t juggle that many balls. Our whole family is having a meeting this weekend to jointly decide our budget and spending for this year. I’ve already found $47 each week by dropping nonessential things. I’m considering dropping vodka too! Sacre Bleu! That’s still to be decided. I’m not a Nun!

I am an irritating little fucker like a grain of sand is to an oyster. Somehow I don’t think I will ever be a pearl. Maybe just building layers and foundations as a work in progress. That’s ok. I’m not the type to sit back and say “yep I’m there, I’ve reached my goal”.

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