Working through hard stuff

I’ve talked a bit about my mental health struggles. There’s some things that are strictly between my psychiatrist and myself and then other things I am happy to share. In this day and age of trying to remove the stigma attached to mental illness I think it helps if you can or are able to talk about it.

I have been to rock bottom. At first I’d tell my husband to find a new wife for him and mother for our children. I felt like a burden. I was convinced they would be better without me. This quickly spiraled into suicidal planning.

I told my husband that if he came home and there was a post it note on our garage door to not come in. I don’t really need to spell out the rest. Needless to say I was hospitalised under lock and key and put on a stabilising medication. After that I slowly climbed out of that hole. I was rational again and horrified that I could have left such a legacy for my children.

Even as recent as last year I was still at times going through the motions. I was mostly okay. I was never suicidal again though.

The joy my children bring and the steadfast love from my husband keep me grounded. My new journey for wellness has given me a completely newfound happiness. I’m more confident. I’m completely and utterly silly with my kids. I’ve learned what to value and what no longer matters. This new resilience really does mean I don’t sweat the small stuff.

I appreciate the simplicity of family life. I’m me but a more vibrant version. I stopped listening to the news. I play music I love. I value the friends in my life instead of those that are absent. That was just such a waste of heartache and hurt.

The foundations I’ve laid are very strong and will ensure a soaring life that won’t teeter. The thing about rock bottom is you can’t sink any further but when you soar there is no limits.

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